Log in

No account? Create an account
Who's the opposition [entries|friends|calendar]

[ website | MySpace.... AHHAHAHAHA ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

burn away the memories, burn away the pain, let it burn, til there's nothing left but ashes [26 Mar 2011|12:28pm]
SO omg. Basically, just another entry to get away from the previous one…
I am still living in my parents basement, with Brandon and the dogs… Brandons car is almost 100 percent fixed… just the ignition coil needs to be fixed. So that cost a small fortune … and then we are saving up for a house (something rent-to-own, probably in Cape, something small, but with a yard for the dogs… no apartments in this area accept dogs over 15 pounds... *stabstabstab*)
Anyway, Brandon got an AMAZING job, working at a window and gutter company. He does the making of the gutters. He has been promoted already, and he’s only worked there for 3 months, he is making a ridiculous amount of money, and everybody there LOVES him and his work ethic. So I am very happy about that. He’s got something real good going there. It is amazing that things worked out as well as they did. I really was not expecting it. BUT, it is all in who you know. Our neighbor (and friend) just so happens to own the company. So when the company rejected his original job application, we talked to the neighbor, and he got Brandon right in. and he is definitely not regretting it. =P now he says that hiring Brandon was one of the best decisions that he ever made, lol. ANNNYYYWAYYYSSSS….. so, that is going great. And I am going to aacc, taking psychology and sociology and math. I am actually passing math. So far.
Also, Monday is my birthday. That should suck. I will be 23. *sigh* But Brandon is taking me out to dinner tonite… one of those Japanese Steak Houses where they make the food in front of you… I have never been to one. And then parental units are taking me out to Red Hot and Blues tomorrow night. I am going to be superfat for my birthday. lol.

Also, Bonbon left me for Virginia. LAME.
And I made a new friend, Keely. She made me get a facebook, so… now I have one of those.

and all of my photography can be seen here:

that is all. <3

All my memories, of a life forgotten
The pictures and letters that we wrote
Are hidden in the dark,
locked away forever
Buried in a shebox labeled burn
Let it burn,
burn away the memories
Let it burn, burn away the pain
Let it burn, til there's nothing left but ashes
Let it burn away
Some nights when it rains
I dig out your old pictures, and dance with memories sour now with age
I wish I could let go, and just walk out of this prison
The shrine I have built around my pain
I can not be free, til nothing's left but ashes
Of a shoebox labeled burn
Hit it?

Is this the answer to my pain, watch this current crash into this wave [28 Oct 2010|02:49pm]

Phil and Nikki wedding 10-12-10Collapse )

Any given day and given way, set it straight
Any given time, gotta cross the line, soon you'll find
Someone surface this cloud of mine, coming through this lapse with thoughts of what could be
Is this the answer to my pain, watch this current crash into this wave
Don't you think its strange things work, don't you think its strange I can't remember
Crash into the ground, I've hit rock bottom, nothing left to destroy
My mind's fallen victim to it's temper, my thoughts and actions controlled by its keeper
Any day this could be taken away
Any given day, any given way
Any given time, gotta cross the line
Don't you think its strange things work, don't you think its strange I can't remember…?
Hit it?

Smiling through denial, my specialty, I thought that was a good thing for a while [03 Oct 2010|01:17pm]
Well, it has been an interesting time. I am home (in Maryland). I have been (i don't miss Florida at all). Brandon, Gama, Luna, and the bunny and fish and I are all here. We are staying at my parents house… we get the basement. It’s pretty neat. Been seeing people, Steff, Bonbon, Mutt, Joe, etc.
Going to school, AACC. Taking art, computer class, Sociology, and Health. Mostly all cept the computer class are great =D
Anyway, that’s about it.
Hurricane (or ‘tropical storm’) Nicole went by on Thursday.
We spent all nite (from 12 midnight Friday morning, to 8 am) saving the basement from being flooded. I woke up at 8 am on Thursday, and we lost power at 9 30 am. A tree fell over the only road in or out of our neighborhood at some point between 9 30 (maybe one of the reasons why the power went out) at 1pm. There was too much rain, and the basement began to flood around 12 midnight. Mom had gone to bed at 9pm or so, Catherine had gone to bed around 10 30. Dad was still at work, and stayed there until we made him come home at 4 am. Anyway, so Brandon and I were saving the basement all by ourselves for so long… sponging up the water on the floor, squeezing it into a bucket, and dumping the bucket outside. Also filling buckets of water out of the overflowing sump pump, and putting it outside.
It was shitty. The power came back Friday morning around 10 or so, and the sump pump started working again, and the basement was pretty much saved. The rest was saved with the help of a wet-vac. =D
Anyway. Fun day. <3

I know you've given all that you can give to me, I know there'll come a day I understand
Until then i'll be trying to solve your mystery, and wonder why I couldn't make you stay
Smiling through denial, my specialty, I thought that was a good thing for a while
You gave me all your secrets, were you testing me? how could I do anything but smile?
Reenact your legendary tragedy, and do to me what has been done to you
Is that the only point to all this misery? Is there any reason I should cry?
Heal… it takes time, and you gave me all you had
I know in time I will believe, that I loved you
Did you love me? Did you love me?
Heal… it takes time, and you gave me all you had
I know in time I will believe, that I loved you
You loved me, you loved me…
Hit it?

i've been here for too long, it’s a change i can't go though, you're better without me, aren't you? [12 Jul 2010|01:07pm]
July 25th, I should be home. ^^ Brandon and the dogs and bunny and fish and everything. It is going to be crazy.

I hope everything works out. I am so nervous. I have been in Florida for WAAAAAY too long.

i don't care to much about anything anymore
there's no difference between wrong and right, I'm tired living life out of spite
i don't care to much about anything anymore
i've been here for to long, it's this change i can't go through, you’re better off without me aren't you?
i've lost my faith in finding humanity
for every girl that ever broke my heart, for every fucked up friend that played that part
i have lost my faith in finding humanity
compassion isn't enough for all that I can do, you're better off with out me, aren't you?
i've been here for too long, it’s a change i can't go though, you're better without me, aren't you?
2 puffed and passed Hit it?

Funny how we say we don't need it, then turn around and try to achieve it [14 May 2010|01:01pm]
Ya know what… just completely ignore that last entry…
I think I am coming home.
Within the next 2 months.

My disposition is in a position for all to see, regretless for how it feels
I got a bullet with a name on it, bullet with a name
Because the cause for all, the pause you think you see, is really concentration on the steel
I got a bullet with a name on it, bullet with a name
See everybody watching and passing judgment, on every little move and decision I make
How can I be an individual with the weight of the world, with 8 other planets to take?
And with everything happening, gunshots clapping and people all running in every direction
With their hands up praying for the drama to end, I got my hand out looking for some money to spend
The price tags on the things I need are getting bigger by the day, I got a bullet with a name on it, bullet with a name
The way I work so hard for things they just take away from me, I got a bullet with a name on it, bullet with a name
I'm working harder than a hundred black mules down in Mexico
No water, no clouds, no cover, from the hotter than Hell no dinner bell, empty oven again from another bad opinion
I mean who doesn't want the cars, money, fame, attention, bars, honeys,
games, attention, stars?
Funny how we say we don't need it, then turn around and try to achieve it
Everything that they say about me, and everything that they make me need, are nothing when they're taking everything away from me
Everyone trying to make it harder, and everyone saying I would never be
You're nothing but a name on the bullet that I aim...
Hit it?

You want to say so much, but you're afraid you might say what you mean [04 May 2010|04:56pm]
I hate to be telling you, especially like this, but I know that the two people who need to know will see this, and then I won’t have to tell them myself…
I will not be moving to Maryland anytime soon. A bunch of shit happened with Brandon’s job transfer, not to mention that the cost of living in that area is more then twice what it is here… so, long story short… fuck everything. I am depressed, life sucks, get over it.

Heart-shaped hallways, leading the way to nowhere
And I'm left stranded here, two years from anywhere
Too scared to leave the shelter of this fear, I'll just follow the fragrance of these fake tears
Your silence says it all, I know your throat is swelling
You want to say so much, but you're afraid you might say what you mean
I loved you for who you were, you tried and tried to change me
It's funny now how you say you're leaving, because I'm not the man I used to be
Shape someone else now, mold someone new
Take someone else down, your heart-shaped hallway too
Hit it?

I'm not all right, but I'm okay [29 Apr 2010|02:11pm]
Weird dreams last night.
First, I had a dream that Steff came to Florida. She met me outside Brandon’s work, as me and him were just closing for the night, and coming out of the store. She had some crazy junker car that was falling apart at the seams. It was forest green, and sorta looked like a 98 Ford Escort. (google image 98 ford escort) Anyway, so she is popped up, and I’m all, wtf? And she is like, apparently, running from the law (lmao), or something, and so she came to me, in florida, and she had a car that wasn’t hers (probably stolen, knowing her ^_^). And that was pretty much it. I got woken up by something, and then went back to sleep.
The second dream that I had, was almost exactly the same as the first. Except that Steff’s escort was blue, not green. And I was like, “OMG, Steff! I KNEW you would be here! I had a dream that you came to florida cause you got in trouble with the law! And you found me here at Brandon’s work! And here you are!” it’s crazy! and then she was like, “yeah, okay, whatever, I need help, damnit!” and so we talked a bit, and she told me her problems (which I now can’t remember), and then I woke up again. And realized that it was a dream about a dream.
I go back to sleep. The third dream is me CALLING her, Steff, and telling her about these fucked up dreams, lol. Fucking random, I know.
That dream ends, and and another dream starts. This is a Resident Evil dream. But I swear, this could TOTALLY be a level in RE5, and then some. In my head, I designed this entire level of the game, every nook and cranny, very detailed. It is so difficult to explain what the level looked like… it was dark, and sort of looked like a mix of the Ship level, and the Prison level in Resident Evil 5: Mercenaries. But with sludge around all the inside, lower parts of the level, so if you fell off of the boards you were walking on, you would die. And there was also places that you had to jump across, from board plank, to board plank, and not fall in the sludge. I was myself, and Brandon was himself, and with us was Chris and Sheva (from the game), but they had real personalities, like they were real people. I saw everything from first person view, and it was just like the game (but for some reason my shotgun only carried 3 rounds!), and Brandon and I discussed with Chris and Sheva, on what we should do, where we should stand, who would cover which direction, etc. Then the waves of zombies came, and while there was zombies that were straight from the game, there was also new zombies, that I had invented in my head. We got chased around by the big chainsaw zombie for a while, which was truly horrifying, if you’d ever played the game you would understand… But the most memorable new [nonexistent] zombie was the one that ended up killing me… it had a sort of green hue to it, it was naked, cept for a Tarzan-like loincloth, and Fable boots. He had no hair, and his face sorta looked like if Gollum (from Lord of the Rings) turned into a zombie. As he slowly walked forward, towards me, he stopped suddenly, and reached behind his back (which in the game, means they are reaching for a weapon), and so I started to shoot him with my retarded 3-in-the-clip shotgun… it didn’t look like it affected him at all. “Maybe he’s too far away still” I thought, and reloaded the shotgun. Then the zombie pulled out from behind his back, a plastic Ziploc bag, and a little wooden spoon. Inside the Ziploc was green grubby glowing worms! (looked like the green glow grubs from Pitch Black) And he unzlipped the bag, and reached inside with the spoon, and scooped out some grubs onto the spoon, and ate them! and I was just standing there, very surprised, I mean, really, what the fuck? And after eating a spoonful or two of these grubs, he replaced the bag and spoon back behind him into where ever they had come from, and then he LUNGED for me, and I dodged, and so he did that thing that the RE zombies do, where they run wildly at you with their arms stretched out in front of them, trying to grab you. So I started to shoot at him with my crappy, crappy, shotgun. Even though he was practically point blank, the bullets seemed to have no effect on him at all, and he kept coming, and I found my back against a wall. He got me. I was dead, the end. Fucking weird dreams, man.

I'm not awake, but I'm not dead
The drugs are late, lost my money again
They never gave you anything…
You think you get the fucking point…
I'll live right through the fucking guilt…
I see the point but I can't find a reason to get though this fucking alive!
I'm not all right, but I'm ok
I'm not all right, but I'm ok
All hail the pessimist, all hail the anarchist
All hail the rest who never gave a motherfucking shit
It's still in season, time to celebrate
What better way to rid the world of all the walking waste
What I say is, I'll show you something
A middle finger with a battle axe you fucking cunt
I got a new way, so you can fuck yourself
Kill a motherfucker is all that I think about
I'm not all right, but I'm ok
I'm not all right, but I'm ok
Sometimes you gotta voice your opinions, or your better off dead, you'll lose your fucking mind
Sometimes you gotta look at yourself, see the world inside out, and scream it out loud
Motherfucker! kill that motherfucker! kill that motherfucker and it's all that I think about!
Mother! kill that motherfucker! kill that motherfucker cause we all gotta scream out loud!
I'm not all right, but I'm ok
I'm not all right, but I'm ok
I've found the easy way to die, just educate myself and pretend all I've learned's untrue
And yet I know that, all I'll lose is you
Have you ever lost something that never seemed to have a face at all, it just screams out loud
It always cures the pain that would never leave, and causes even more
It just screams out loud
Motherfucker! kill that motherfucker! kill that motherfucker and it's all that I think about!
Motherfucker! kill that motherfucker! kill that motherfucker!
Hit it?

You take the way you know, I'll take the road unknown, and meet you there, at the end of time [25 Apr 2010|03:51pm]
Well, I am officially moving back to Maryland. End of May/beginning of June.
I thought that I would be more happy, but really, now that it’s actually happening, I am so scared. I have been in Florida for so long now, and I got into a nice comphy groove…
There are things that I wish would change, and other things that if they changed I wouldn’t be able to live anymore.
Brandon and the dogs are coming, of course. I don’t want anything to change between Brandon and I. at all. We are perfect with our relationship the way it is.
He will be working at the Annapolis Mall, and possibly another location, as well. I will be attending Anne Arundel Community College, and trying to find a part time job, as well. (we’re going to need another car- pronto) We are going to be having to stay with my parents for a while, until we can find an apartment. Rent is more than double in Maryland from what it is in Florida, for the same amount of space. A 600 dollar a month apartment in Florida = the exact same apartment in Maryland for 1200… but the surrounding area isn’t as nice. In this apartment, we are next to a beautiful lake, with lots of free running space for the dogs, and a nice big yard… nothing that we looked at in Maryland could even compare to that. The dogs probably won’t be as happy.
Brandon is having to take a demotion to get this job transfer. Here he is an assistant manager, and he will just have to be a regular employee in Maryland… neither of us are happy about that, at all. But since he already has the assistant manager experience, as soon as a position becomes available to be assistant manager, he should be get promoted… but I am not holding my breath. :(
I am just really scared that things won’t work out the way I wish they would. Really all I want is for things to be exactly the way they are now… just, in Maryland. And with my friends. I know that that won’t happen right away…I just hope that me and Brandon won’t lose eachother along the way. i don't like stress, and this is going to be horribly stressful. i picked a horrible time to quit smoking.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
-Killing makes me feel good. It works the knots out of Darling Dexter’s Dark schemata.
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can.
-I smacked Luna in the face.
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
-King of the Hill.
4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
-12 noon,
5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
-king of the hill on the tv.
7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
-an hour ago. walked the dogs.
8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
9. What are you wearing?
-white tank top. pink undies.
10. Did you dream last night?
-OMG yes. it was one of the craziest fucking dreams I have ever had. I can’t even explain it.
11. When did you last laugh?
-last night. Luna was attacking my feet.
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
-posters for videogames.
13. Seen anything weird lately?
-fucking bike week.
14. What do you think of this quiz?
15. What is the last film you saw?
16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
-an island.
17. Tell me something about you that I don't know.
-I hate pie.
18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
-no humans.
19. Do you like to dance?
20. George Bush:
-I would kill him if I got the chance. Seriously.
21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
- Zoey? I duno. I’m not good with girl names.
22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
-I fucking wish I could.
24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
-I would punch him in the face before he could open his mouth.

Through the coolest haze, of this dreamlike maze, it has begun, and all I wanted you near
With these wounds I bled, a perfect tone of red, in isolation, through the swollen eyes
Of the dying, and my waking dreams, we're all dying to become what we swore we never would
Now I watch and mourn in bloom…
You take the way you know, I'll take the road unknown, and meet you there, at the end of time
We are frequency, we are tragedy, we are the love, we need to keep us here
We are the dying, we are the hungry ones…
we are the waiting, forever faithful…
when I see you on the other side, I will not be the same, as I was when I was yours
How I wanted you near…
We've got the anger, fear and isolation, exiled to this place
We've got the pain, separates the tragic years, I've gone through all this waste
and when we finally separate ourselves, the world we choose to leave behind
I will not be the same as I was when I was yours
Hit it?

I'm not listening, not anymore, the more I learn, the more I ignore [24 Apr 2010|10:04am]
I had the craziest dream last night… I was actually… happy. Like, I am happy now, oh yes, but when I woke up from this dream… I was sad that I was no longer in the dreaming. But, at least I wasn’t rudely awakened from this dream. I got through it from beginning to end without being disturbed, and when I woke up I clearly knew that it was over. It was like watching a movie end.
It’s depressing to not be in that wonderful dream life anymore.

Level 1
(X) Smoked A Cigarette
(X) Smoked A Cigar
(X) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex

Level 2
(x) Are / Been In Love
(X) Dumped someone
( ) Been Fired
( ) Been In A Fist Fight

Level 3
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x) Skipped Class
( ) Slept With A Co-worker
(x) Seen Someone / Something Die

Level 4
( ) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your dA Friends
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain
(x) Been On A Plane
(x) Thrown Up From Drinking
SO FAR: 10

Level 5
( ) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been Snowboarding
(x) Met Someone Through Internet
(x) Been in a Mosh Pit
SO FAR: 12

Level 6
(x) Been In An Abusive Relationship
(x) Taken Pain Killers
(x) Liked/loved Someone Who You Cant Have
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel
SO FAR: 17

Level 7
(x) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
(x) Gone mudding
( ) Played Dress Up
SO FAR: 21

Level 8
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(x) Gone Sledding
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School
SO far: 26

Level 10
(x) Watched The Sun Set
( ) Felt An Earthquake
( ) Killed A Snake
SO FAR: 27

Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
(x) Been Robbed / Vandalized
(x) Been cheated on
(x) Been Misunderstood
SO FAR: 31

Level 12
(x) Won A Contest
(x) Been Suspended From School
(x) Had Detention
(x) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident
SO FAR: 35

Level 13
(x) Had / Have Braces
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Danced in the moonlight
SO FAR : 38

Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Look
(x) Witnessed A Crime
( ) Pole Danced
(x) Questioned Your Heart
(x) Been obsessed with post-it-notes
SO FAR: 42

Level 15
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
( ) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(x) Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying
SO FAR: 45

Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
( ) Played Cops And Robbers
(x) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins
SO FAR: 49

Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls
( ) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
(x) Kissed In The Rain
SO FAR: 52

Level 18
( ) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(x) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach Or Anywhere
SO FAR: 55

Level 19
( ) Crashed A Party
( ) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey
SO FAR: 57

Level 20
( ) Worn Pearls
(x) Jumped Off A Bridge
(x) Screamed "Penis" or "Vagina"
( ) Swam With Dolphins
SO FAR: 59

Level 21
( ) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cubes
(x) Kicked A Fish
(x) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(x) Sat On A Roof Top and watched the stars
SO FAR: 62

Level 22
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
( ) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
(x) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(x) Recently stayed up for a while talking to someone you care about. (every day)
SO FAR: 65

Level 23
(x) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree
(x) Had/Been In A Tree House
(x) Been scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone
SO FAR: 69

Level 24
(x) Believed In Ghosts
( ) Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
(x) Gone Streaking
(x) Visited Jail
SO FAR: 72

Level 25
(x) Played Chicken
(x) Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
(x) Broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused
SO FAR: 77

Level 26
( ) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
( ) Made A Porn Video/got asked to make one
(x) Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed
SO FAR: 80

Level 27
(x) Mooned/Flashed Someone
(x) Had Someone Moon/Flash You (i didn't ask them to! they just did it)
(x) Cheated On A Test
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name
(x) French Braided Someones Hair
(x) Gone Skinny Dipping
( ) Been Kicked Out Of Your House
SO FAR: 86

Level 28
(x) Rode A Roller Coaster
( ) Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling
(x) Had A Cavity
( ) Black-Mailed Someone
( ) Been Black Mailed
SO FAR: 88

Level 29
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs
(x) Licked A Cat
(x) Bitten Someone
(x) Licked Someone
SO FAR: 93

Level 30
( ) Been shot at/or at gunpoint
( ) Had sex in the rain
(x) Flattened someones tires
(x) Rode in a car/truck until the gas light came on
(x) Got five dollars or less worth of gas

0-10:Go Outside
11-20:Get a Life
41-50:You have friends?!?!?
51-60:Your kinda sorta kewl.
61-70:Ill hang w/ u
71-80:Mr. Cool
81-90: Dude, ur sweet!
91-100:Freakin awesome!
111-119: Holy crap, you belong in a hospital!
120: Corpse

I'm not listening, not anymore, the more I learn, the more I ignore
I'm not listening, not anymore, the more I can, the more I ignore
I'm not listening, not anymore, no…
Cause you gotta be bigger, and be faster, and be stronger, if your gonna survive any longer
in this lifetime it better be the right time, the first time might be your last time
am I a failure if I got nothing to lose, no, I'm not a failure, I've got something to prove
Cause I've lost my innocence, and I'm a stranger, a life changer, I'm a man thats not afraid of danger
I walk my own path, and blaze my own trail, because I'm not afraid to derail
I won't get in line or be a middle man, so fuck you I'll make my own plan
and I got respect and I dont neglect, the people that i really care to protect
am I a failure if I got nothing to lose, no, I'm not a failure, I've got something to prove
I told you before, won't listen no more
I told you before, let's settle the score
If not me then who?
If not now then when?
Shut it up, work it out
Blow it up, set it off
Fuck it up, chuck it out
Put it up, blow it up
Right now!
Hit it?

How dare you say it's nothing to me … you're the only light I ever saw [15 Mar 2010|02:13pm]
Well… quitting cigarettes is going great, haven’t smoked in almost 2 weeks ^_^

Going back to Maryland! Just for a visit, though… still working on the permanent part :(
April 4th thru 9th. Maybe 10th. It depends. But probably 9th because my life sucks.
It feels like I will be there for no time at all. Oh well.
So, Brandon and the doggies are coming, too, of course.
Plans with BonBon and Steff already.
Goddamnit I miss them.
One day, I will be back for sure.
While we’re there, Brandon and I are going to go to the Gamestops in the area (all 6 of em ^_^) and make his face known. Because, really, that’s all we’re waiting for to move back to Maryland, is for Brandon to get a job transfer to a gamestop in Maryland. So hopefully we can get something done about that while we’re there. (fuck I hope so!)

My luvvy Steff: http://steffhollywood.livejournal.com/4352.html

oh yea, and i have been talking to my little sister a lot now, over email... she's gunna be 14 this year! how crazy is that shit??
i feel bad that i'm not there for her, either.
i'm never there for anyone, and i hate that.
i need to go home.

It's not a silly little moment, it's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dying breath of, this love we've been working on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to, so I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you, we pulled too many false alarms
We're going down, and you can see it too
We're going down, and you know that we're doomed
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room
I was the one you always dreamed of, you were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it's nothing to me, baby, you're the only light I ever saw
I'll make the most of all the sadness, you'll be a bitch because you can
You try to hit me just to hurt me, so you leave me feeling dirty, because you can't understand
We're going down, and you can see it too
We're going down, and you know that we're doomed
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
My dear, we're slow dancin' in a burnin' room
Burnin' room, burnin' room
Burnin' room, burnin' room
Don't you think we oughta know by now
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Hit it?

I don't need to fight, to prove I'm right [03 Mar 2010|02:46pm]
Well. It’s about frickin time.
I am quitting smoking.
This shit, lemme tell you…
It’s fucking horrible.
I have been smoking for almost 8 years now…
I didn’t think I’d ever stop, but… it just got to a point.
I got my motivation.
So now, it’s not about trying to not smoke... it’s about surviving the withdrawl.
My chest feels like it’s caving in sometimes… other times it’s just difficult to breathe in general. (when I start to think about it, and panic, that makes it worse… I need to work on not doing that)
My tongue hurts (which my mom told me is actually a common symptom of nicotine withdrawl, weird, right?) so bad, it’s hard to chew.
I am shaking constantly and I am having trouble concentrating on things… and I seem to be losing track of what I am talking about sometimes, in the middle of a sentence. Also I will start to stare into space.
I am also having trouble swallowing sometimes, and there is a constant bad taste in my mouth. Those two things (bad mouth taste and difficulty swallowing) are leading my tummy to hurt a lot too, and I feel completely nauseous.
Also, I am finding that I am … I don’t wanna say “bored” with everything that used to interest me, it’s more like.. it all just seems so STUPID now. Pointless, I guess.

But anyway, I was freaking out about this all last night (no sleep for Diana!) with Brandon telling me that it’s all nothing to worry about and such.
Called my mom this morning, she said that all those things could be symptoms of withdrawl from the cigarettes, and that I shouldn’t be too worried.
But I was still worried. So I went to see Dr Banala, because this shit was seriously freaking me out (mostly the difficulty breathing part) and he listened to my lungs and heart, and he said that everything sounded fine and normal and such… which helped a little as well, but I thought that maybe there was more he could have done to check on these things. I was really calm when I went to see him, so I wasn’t having trouble breathing or anything.
So then I talked to Steff, who also quit smoking recently. She said pretty much the same thing as everyone else, but for some reason it helped to talk to her, more then Brandon, my mom, and Dr Banala combined. I don’t know if it’s because I know that she cares about me, but still has the “no bullshit no sugarcoating” attitude; or because she’s been through what I am going through (can’t say the same about any of the other people I talked with about this)… but whatever it was, I felt much better after talking to her.
Plus she gave some advice and whatnot, so… I just gotta get me some nicotine gum, sleeping pills, bottled water, and ride it out.
I hope I make it that far ><

Out here in the fields, I fight for my meals
I get my back into my living…
I don't need to fight, to prove I'm right
I don't need to be forgiven…
Don't cry, don't raise your eye
It's only teenage wasteland…
Sally, take my hand, we'll travel south crossland
Put out the fire, and don't look past my shoulder
The exodus is here, the happy ones are near
Let's get together, before we get much older
Teenage wasteland, it's only teenage wasteland
Teenage wasteland, teenage wasteland
They're all wasted…
Hit it?

Jack is in his corset, and Jane is her vest, and me I'm in a rock'n'roll band [10 Feb 2010|11:37am]
This is one of the better ones, i think ^_^

Stupid Things I have Done, 70 questions

1. [x] Forgot to put the lid on the blender, turned it on, and had everything fly out
2. [x] Gotten your head stuck between the stair rails
3. [x] Broken a chair by leaning back in it
4. [x] Had gum fall out of your mouth while you were talking
5. [x] Choked on your own spit while you were talking
6. [x] Had people tell you that you are blond when you're not, or had people tell you that your blond highlights are going to your head
7. [ ] Been caught staring at your crush by your crush
8. [x] Have looked for something for at least 5 min then realized it was in your hand
9. [x] Tried to push open a door that said pull
10. [x] Tried to pull open a door that said push

Running total: 9

11. [ ] Have actually believed someone when they said that they knew how to make a love-potion
12. [x] Have hit yourself in the process of trying to hit something else
13. [x] Have tripped and fallen UP the stairs
14. [x] Have actually exploded marshmallows in the microwave
15. [x] Have gotten gum stuck in your hair (a looooong time ago... like, when i was little)
16. [ ] Had gum fall out of your mouth while trying to blow a bubble
17. [ ] Have had the juice from a mini tomato squirt out and hit somebody else when you bit into it (i like mini tomatos... but i have never done that)
18. [ ] Have had your drink come out your nose because you were laughing so hard
19. [ ] Have called one of your good friends by the wrong name
20. [x] Have skinned your toe because you were playing soccer or kickball with flip flops on or you were barefoot

Running total: 14

21. [x] Have put a sticker on your forehead, forgot it was there, and went out in public with it on (i didnt forget)
22. [ ] Have fallen out of a moving vehicle
23. [x] Have run into a closed door
25. [ ] Searched for your cell phone while you were talking on it (now that's just sad)
26. [x] It has taken you longer than 5 min to get a joke
27. [ ] Have gotten your hair stuck in a blow dryer
28. [ ] Have gotten your hair stuck in a fan
29. [x] Tripped on a crack in the sidewalk
30. [ ] Said o'clock after saying how many min after the hour, example: 5:30 o'clock, or 6:15 o'clock

Running total: 18

31. [x] After someone told you that there was gum on the ground, you stepped in it.
32. [x] Put on a white shirt even though you already knew it was raining outside
33. [ ] Have ever walked up to a stranger because you thought they were someone else
34. [x] Ever been kicked out of a grocery store/off their property (used to be the highlight of my friday night!)
35. [ ] Touched the stove, the curling iron, a hot pan, etc when its on, even though you knew it was hot
36. [x] Taken off your clothes to change into something else then accidentally put the old clothes back on.
37. [x] Wondered why something wasn't working then realized it wasn't plugged in
38. [x] Put the cereal in the fridge, or put the milk in the cupboard (i put all sorts of things in the fridge that don't belong there)
39. [x] Walked into a pole
40. [ ] Wore two different earrings or shoes by accident/stolen someone’s shoes by accident

Running total: 25

41. [ ] took a picture of someone's eye with the flash on
43. [ ] Gotten a ring stuck on your finger because you put it on even though you knew it was too small
44. [ ] Walked out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to your shoe without realizing it
45. [x] Went to go do something/go get something, then when you got there, you forgot what it was that you were going to do (all the fucking time)
46. [x] Picked up someone else's drink and drank out of it by accident when your drink was right next to it
47. [x] Fallen out of your chair while trying to pick something up
48. [x] Have poked yourself in the eye
49. [ ] Have gotten in the shower with your socks still on
50. [ ] Melted your hairbrush while blow drying your hair

Running total: 29

51. [x] Have done enough stupid things to make a test (if only i could remember them all...)
52. [x] Have accidentally stabbed yourself with a pencil
53. [ ] Have sung the wrong verse to a song without realizing it
54. [x] Have given an odd answer to a question because you didn't hear the question in the first place and didn't feel like asking what it was (that = school)
55. [x] Told someone you were the wrong age because you seriously forgot how old you were (when i bought cigarettes, instead of looking at your id, alot of people here just ask your age to type it into their computer, and after i turned 21, telling people my age became a serious mental effort)
56. [x] Looked into an overhead purposefully while it was on (maybe that's why i am blind?)
57. [x] Got up early and got ready for school/work, then realized that you didn't have school/work that day (that's happened WAAAY too many times)
58. [x] Forgot your own phone number (only when i had just gotten it changed ^_^)
59. [x] Have tripped on a cord after someone told you to watch out for it (that = school)
60. [x] Have ever laughed at a joke that no one else thought was funny (hahaha.... yeh)

Running total: 38

61. [ ] Done the Macarena to the electric slide or vice versa
62. [ ] Said funner then had someone make fun of you for it (said it, but no one laughed at me for it, because they all say it too)
63. [x] Have repeated yourself at least twice in the same sentence (i forget things sometimes...)
64. [ ] Brought up an inside joke with the wrong person
65. [x] Didn't do the backside of an assignment because you thought that there wasn't one because you had already looked and forgot that there was another side (that = school.)
66. [x] Did more work than you had to on an assignment because you didn't read the directions (haha... all the fuckin time)
67. [x] Corrected someone's grammar/pronunciation then figured out that you were the one that was wrong
68. [x] Put something in a special place so that you would remember where it was, then forgot where you put it
69. [x] Put ice in your drink after the glass was full of liquid and had it splash out
70. [x] Told a lie then forgot what it was that you had said and got caught

total: 45 out of 70

Standing on the corner, suitcase in my hand
Jack is in his corset, and Jane is her vest, and me I'm in a rock'n'roll band
Ridin' in a Stutz Bear Cat, Jim, you know, those were different times
All the poets they studied rules of verse, and those ladies, they rolled their eyes
Sweet Jane, whoa! Sweet Jane, sweet Jane!
I'll tell you something, Jack, he is a banker, and Jane, she is a clerk
Both of them save their monies, and when, when they come home from work
Sittin' down by the fire, the radio does play
The classical music there, Jim, "The March of the Wooden Soldiers"
All you protest kids, you can hear Jack say, get ready
Some people, they like to go out dancing
And other peoples, they have to work… just watch me now
And there's even some evil mothers, well they're gonna tell you that everything is just dirt
Y'know that, women, never really faint, and that villains always blink their eyes
And that, y'know, children are the only ones who blush, and that, life is just to die
And, everyone who ever had a heart, they wouldn't turn around and break it
And anyone who ever played a part, wouldn't turn around and hate it
Heavenly wine and roses, seems to whisper to her when he smiles
Heavenly wine and roses, seems to whisper to her when she smiles
Sweet Jane, sweet Jane, sweet Jane
Hit it?

We’ll never feel bad anymore [07 Feb 2010|11:29am]

SO. I heard Maryland got snow.
A lot of snow.
Like, at least 18 inches of snow.
And I am in Florida.

When you’re on a holiday, you can’t find the words to say
All the things that come to you, and I wanna feel it too
On an island in the sun, we’ll be playing and having fun
And it makes me feel so fine, I can’t control my brain
When you’re on a golden sea, you don’t need no memory
Just a place to call your own, as we drift into the zone
We’ll run away together
We’ll spend some time forever
We’ll never feel bad anymore
8 puffed and passed Hit it?

I'm not holding onto this, I'm not wasting words on you [10 Jan 2010|05:42pm]
Brandon and I went to see Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey Jr WHUT???) yesterday.
It was awesome. It was an amazing movie, it really was. And it seems like one of those movies where everytime you see it, you notice something new. There’s a lot of action, and all in all it was just stellar. Definitely getting that one on DVD.
Speaking of Robert Downey Jr (great frickin actor), Iron Man 2 comes out May 7. Looks like it should be awesome. But they replaced the black guy (Rhodes)… :(

another one to look forward to, March 5th, Alice In Wonderland … Johnny Depp and Tim Burton.. yyyeeeeahhh.

Moving on...

1. Anarchy Club – Behind The Mask
2. Cage The Elephant – Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked
3. Placebo – Running Up That Hill
4. Rest Among Ruins (local) – Take Two
5. Sick Puppies – Anywhere But Here
6. Audioslave – Doesn’t Remind Me
7. Manowar – Die For Metal
8. Black Sabbath – Children Of The Grave
9. Judas Priest – Electric Eye
10. Ministry – Thieves
11. The Explosion – No Revolution
12. Jim Carroll Band – People Who Died
13. Transplants – California Babylon
14. Quiet Riot – The Wild And The Young
15. Motley Crue – Live Wire
16. Ozzy Osbourne – Believer
17. The Mountain Goats – Cotton
18. Bring Me The Horizon – Suicide Season

I'm not wishing anymore, I'm not writing songs for you
I sleep better in the dark, I'm not doing this for you
This is because of you I don't believe, tongue tied an institute of my relief
One wish that this is over, you are all I waste today
Discarded, worthless, throw it away
Will it tear you apart?
Will it?
Will it tear you apart?
When I turn and walk away, abandoned and not worth the effort
When stalling means, too fucking scared to create, abandoned and not worth the effort
I'm not holding onto this, I'm not wasting words on you
I sleep alone in spite of it, I'll do anything for you
This is because of you I feel relief, tongue tied to instigate what I believe
You're my, my reason to blame
Hit it?

What if I told you to die, would you hate me and burn up inside? [26 Dec 2009|08:39am]
Well, christmas was good. From my mom I got some chocolates, from my dad some books and money. Brandon got some money from my mom and some chocolates, and some money from his mom. The dogs got some bones.
Brandon and the dogs and I went over to Rodney’s house yesterday, spent christmas with Rodney, Shade, Shadow, and Dwayne, Stephanie (not Steff), and Sara.
Sara I had not met before, but she is awesome. It sucks she lives like an hour away, otherwise I think I would have found a new friend that’s a girl here. She’s younger than me, by a few years, safe to say she’s still in highschool, but she is EXACTLTY, and I mean EXACTLY how I was at her age. Black jeans, black hoodie, black and white chucks, black and white My Chemical Romance shirt (I would have gone with a different band, though), black and white Jack Skellington beanie. Black hair, shoulder length. Cept for the band on the shirt, and the black hair, I was exactly like that. She is very cool. She has the same attitudes towards things as me. We had a good time. Mostly Sara, Shade, and me hung out, and played around, since we were all the youngest. Nurf guns, whut?!
It was a good time. Rodney made a turkey, mashed and baked potatoes, egg noodles, biscuits, and Captain Morgan Private Stock.
Christmas was good this year. Just sucks I couldn’t have spent it at home.

Telling time is hard when it rewinds, painting circles around your crimes
What if I told you to die, would you hate me and burn up inside?
No traces, no pictures, no sacred glowing scriptures
So control your chaos, relax and you can save us
Your throne of in just a dirty soul of mistrust, it pushes us down, forces us down
What if it all came crashing down around you, how will you save yourself?
If you need one more thing to let it live, just let us think because it's over
So it's fine if you can't define, all the reasons for losing your mind
But if I could turn back the time, I would walk and pretend it's a lie
No faces, no voices, no painted in vein choices
No control, of chaos, a severed screaming circus
No time, no pain, caused us to run away
You're the birthplace of disease, and all it means, forever let to change
6 puffed and passed Hit it?

There is sadness in the reflection, one long look is all that it takes [17 Dec 2009|09:14am]
Brandon got me a new camera for christmas. I got it early ^_^
It’s awesome.
It’s just a new Canon PowerShot, but it’s awesome. It takes great pictures, and it’s pretty much everything I could need.
I am a happy girly.
The only color they had was pale pink, but oh well.
I was gonna get one like Steff’s, a Sony, but they were out of it, so… this worked out good.
I am a happy girly.
http://www.anubis281.deviantart.com for newest pictures.

Just went through your eyes, and the battle was fine
Couldn't stand to see you screaming heart
Now I realize that I might have been, part of the reason for your frowning heart
And so I grey the heart and the shape, that look that you gave, staring
At empty help me back to awake, and so I grey the heart and the shape
Now the bottle plays a little factor, not the way I used to be, thankfully
I was discussing a different matter, now I engage in everything, infinity...
Help me back to awake
There were sentences with no direction, those are pieces that I put away
There is sadness in the reflection, one long look is all that it takes
Hit it?

One step ahead of the pack of Marlboros [23 Nov 2009|04:08pm]
My goodness, it could absolutely not be any more perfect out today.
Just… amazing.

Mark said he could hold his own head up
and share his mind, with the peeling paint on the bedroom wall
One step ahead of the pack of Marlboros
Still, I don't believe he would take that fall
Those things will put you back some paychecks, set you back about a year or two
There's a sick little suicide in all that we do, all that we do
And the ground downtown is a countdown, no air anywhere in the area
Suck back these take-home packs of euthanasia, youth in America...
There's a sick little suicide, in all that we do
There's a sick little suicide, in all that we do...
You decide, which one's for you
Mark my words, oh, just a little more, Sarah said, and subtly subsistence is suicide
Exercise and malnutrition keep curves tight, 'cause all that matters is what's outside
So says every magazine cover, which gallantly assaults our own women and children
But it's not my fault, it's never my fault
We dare bury our three-square fare in a twenty-first century artery, and feed beyond our need
So pardon me, this part of me
Hit it?

As of right now everything is making perfect sense [11 Nov 2009|02:18pm]
FINALLY, some descent movies are coming out.

November 13 – 2012

November 20 – Twilight, New Moon (or whatever it’s called… Brandon and I are going to get high as hell, and then go see it. Hopefully it will be as funny as the first one.)
how everyone seems to see it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYBF3HKzrmE&feature=related
how brandon and i see it (espically when we're high): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbAppj00nZo&feature=related

November 25 – Ninja Assassin

January 8 – Daybreakers

January 22 – Legion

May 28 – Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

July 2 – The Last Airbender

all the movies are must-see.
i wish they were all out right now, i would go and see them all in a row.

I've boarded up the windows, to keep the morning from intrusion
I've left it on the doorknob, could you please just not disturb
On days like this we find it so hard to push ourselves up and out of bed, when nothing falls in favor of
I have so many things, I would like to explain to you
But I don't know just how to, communicate
I can't take this body shaking, dress and we'll begin
Nights can be so violent, when beds become vacant
I've blown it once again, this would have been the last offense and
You should have been here months ago, with open arms and honest face
Address full doubt you've ever felt frustration, well I'm choking on it now
And it's the hardest thing for me to shake
Is it because of this, vacancy that you swear never to, to believe?
Honestly honest me, with a look that's so deceiving
I'll bite, chew, swallow, and, digest the hands that feed me
With a bayonet for a tongue, swallow swords inadvertently
And to the organ flame I'll maintain a close adjacency
I have so many things, I would like to explain to you
Farewell to all the days you were, within my reach
And as of right now everything is making perfect sense
As of right now everything is making perfect sense
Hit it?

I wish it was raining, cause I hate every beautiful day [08 Nov 2009|04:14pm]
I wish it would rain.
I miss the rain.
And everytime i miss the rain, i get this song stuck in my head.
it looks like it might rain today… I really hope it does.
But it probably won’t.
It’s windy enough that my tree tipped over, though.
And it's very cloudy.
Which is a good sign, I guess.



Something's gotta change again; I'm losing, my inspirations gone, oh no oh no
Seeing through some different eyes; I can't find, my medications failed, again, again
I can feel a change, I can feel, can you feel it
See it on the street watching heat from the pavement
Cause I'm here, ready to take it all here, everything's feeling unclear
I wish it was raining, cause I hate every beautiful day
Faces in the crowd, fake smiles for miles, my imitations wrong of them again
Trapped inside this cheap hotel, bored as hell turning the channels 'round, in my head, in my bed
All I know I'll never know, for all I know I'll never know
Cause I'm here, ready to take it all here, everything's feeling unclear
I wish it was raining, cause I hate every beautiful day
Every beautiful day, every beautiful day
For all I know I'll never know, every beautiful day
Hit it?

it blows my mind that people wanna try to get inside my tired head [06 Nov 2009|07:09pm]
Assassin’s Creed 2.
I have not been this excited about any game since Resident Evil 5.
15 minute CG prequel movie: http://www.megavideo.com/?v=BGCHF67C
They’re making 2 more of them I think. “In the works”.
Anyway. November 17th the game comes out.
It’s times like this I wish I could travel forward in time.

I am a lone wolf, I always was and will be
I feel fine, I am resigned to this
I am a lone wolf, I am a lone wolf
Got my cares, wrapped up all nice and neat, in my suitcase
I’ll take it down the street, to a place with plenty of space for me, I am a lone wolf
I am a lone wolf, it blows my mind, that people wanna try to get inside my tired head
I am a lone wolf, I am a lone wolf
I am a lone wolf
Nobody needs to get too close to me, you’ll only see this truth
I am a lone wolf
Hit it?

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]